How to Coach Your Caregiver: Make it a Ham Sandwich

 

Quality caregiving and care-accepting depend on effective communication between both parties. It’s a delicate balancing act, especially when the caregiver is a spouse or family member. With ALS, traditional roles are often reversed, misunderstandings can happen and feelings easily get bruised. Giving care and accepting it is challenging enough without adding emotions into the mix. So, let me share a simple communication technique that’s worked for me, especially now that I live with ALS.

Build a ham sandwich

Have you ever had the experience of receiving a correction from a really good coach or teacher? They probably delivered the correction in a way that made you feel good about your efforts, helped you understand exactly what to do to improve, and felt positive about going back and trying again.

Most likely, your coach or teacher used what I call the “ham sandwich technique.” The name is an analogy for creating a sandwich with your words. The top piece of bread represents a positive statement or compliment, and the middle is the meat — the actual critique or correction. The bottom slice of bread represents finishing with a positive comment or sincere compliment.

 To put it another way, think, compliment + correction + compliment.

Whether we’re the care-giver or on the receiving end of care, we’re all coaching each other. So, the how we say things is just as important as the what we’re saying. Nobody wants to play for a coach who always yells, “You knucklehead! You’re doing it all wrong!” Or, “Why don’t you get it right? I’ve already told you a million times!”

We listen and perform better when we feel validated for our efforts.

For example, recently because of my ALS, I had to give up brewing my own morning coffee and I found myself having to coach my caregiver husband through the steps of my favorite ritual.

I’ll be the first to admit I happen to be super-picky about grinding the beans, the brew strength and the final mixture of milk and sugar. He, on the other hand, doesn’t drink coffee at all and hasn’t ever wanted to make it. You can easily see how this endeavor was an emotional disaster waiting to unfold!

But with patience, coaching, and lots of ham sandwiches on my part, I’m proud to say we emerged unscathed.

And by the end of our joint lesson, he actually turned me around! Using his own expertise in coaching, I was ham-sandwiched into admitting that a new Keurig coffee maker, using those little pre-measured pods, would make life much simpler for both of us. We now own one, use it, and both love it!

Make it a picnic!

Don’t limit your use of the compliment + correction + compliment method to just between patient and caregiver. It’s useful as well for when friends or strangers are trying to help out. Everyone appreciates positive feedback delivered in a kind manner. Be generous with your ham sandwiches — make it a picnic!

Be flexible

Know that sometimes it’s just not possible to take the time for the whole compliment + correction + compliment method. And that’s OK.

For instance, safety concerns may require commands that are short and to the point. But whether it’s a time constraint, a safety matter, or even a case of short tempers, always acknowledge the other person’s efforts. Apologize, if necessary, and make amends.

Taking care of our well-being is a priority for caregivers as well as those living with ALS. The next time you need to give instructions or correct another about your care, try using my ham sandwich technique.

Let’s get back in the game of life and continue our journey of living well while living with ALS!

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Dagmar Munn
ALS and Wellness Blogger

"Communication is the lifeline of any relationship"

Elizabeth Bourgeret

A version of this post first appeared as my column on the ALS News Today website.