Auntie A. Ellis Gets Cured! (ALS Humor)

Once again, I am delighted to welcome Auntie A. ELLIS, who joins us as our special guest.

For those who don’t know Auntie A. Ellis, she dishes out advice to anyone and everyone who dares to ask and is gaining a reputation for her unique perspective on living with ALS. Auntie A.Ellis throws being PC (Politically Correct) right out the window and lives by the motto:“Ya gotta laugh, baby, ya gotta laugh!”

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Hello, dear readers - - It’s good to be back!

That's because Auntie A. Ellis has some REAL serious business to take care of: it’s time we had a little talk, you and me. Yes, that  talk; the one about what is real and what is fake - - and boy-oh-boy, Auntie has sure seen some big, fat, fake-O’s!  

Who to believe?

Let’s start with the fact that if and when the cure for ALS is discovered - - and trust me on this - - you will NOT hear about it first on Facebook, or Twitter, or YouTube or the spam folder of your email.  Not gonna happen. It will however, be plastered on the evening news and in the newspaper. You know, mainstream media. Not...…social media!

I know, I know, it’s hard to resist the barrage of announcements on Facebook. In fact, Auntie A. Ellis herself, has been amazed to read that she supposedly has: brain fungus, a leaky gut, liver disease, is low on chi and, on top of it all - - her body is overflowing with toxins!

Gee, she must be the healthiest-feeling sick person around!

"But wait," you say, "it all sounds so convincing, so....…possible." Yeah, right! If you can forget everything you ever knew about how our bodies work; basic nutrition, basic digestion, basic science and instead buy into the belief, the hope, that this time, maybe, you’ll be THE ONE. The one who is miraculously cured by wearing aluminum foil on her head while consuming three cups of exotic coconut oil every day - - for twenty-one days in a row. I mean, it could happen, right? NOT!

Fix me, please!

Auntie A. Ellis feels your angst. We share it! There we were, just minding our own business when all of a sudden our legs stopped working correctly. And then, we thought we were speaking all regular-like and it turns out that all the other person heard was gibberish. Say, whaaat?  So, we did the normal thing. We went to our doctor to find out what was happening and what was he gonna do to fix it? Because - - we had trust that doctors always fix us and what’s more, we had a Life to get back to! But, then the Doc said, “We don’t know…nobody knows…and it might be a long time before we find out anything.”

There you have it. The rug was pulled right out from under us. Our trust in the medical system broken. So, who we gonna trust now?

Why, Dr. Google! Just one quick search of the Internet and we’ve got answers! I mean, why did our doctors waste all those years going to medical school anyway when they could’ve just relied on the Internet?!

The famous "Dr. Kook-Among-Us"
                          

Have you met Dr. Kook-Among-Us? He’s everywhere in cyber-space. He has answers. He has therapies and testimonials. He even wrote a book, many books. They all have the same title, like: How to Cure Cancer or How to Cure Liver Disease or How to Cure - - Just About Anything.

What's his method? First, he gains your trust by pointing out a secret conspiracy between your doctor and Big Pharma. They don’t want you to get better, he says. Why? Because they’re making money off of you!  Don’t trust them, he says - - instead, trust Dr. Kook-Among-Us. Because he’s looking out for YOU. And all you have to do is buy his book and learn how to mix up the “special ancient remedy” - - with its one (shh!) secret ingredient!

In reality, the only thing “ancient” going on here is the “con.” Too soon you’ll soon realize you’ve been “had.” Only after forking over $49.99 and discovering that his book is really a four page pamphlet and - - the secret ingredient is: cottage cheese!

It must be true!

Then there’s ALOTI, you know....... A Lady On The Internet. We talk about her all the time, as in,  I know it’s true…...a lady on the Internet told me! Old Auntie A. Ellis calls her, ALOTI-BS (and the BS ain’t a college degree sweetie!) ALOTI-BS shares posts that gush on and on. About her friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend, whose neighbor-knew-a-man, who had ALS, and he was absolutely cured! For proof, ALOTI-BS offers a grainy video of a man waving his arms and provides a convenient link to an article - - written in 2001 - - by (drum roll here) none other than Dr. Kook-Among-Us!

Is Auntie A. Ellis the only sober person in the room who actually clicks on the research link at the very bottom of Dr. Kook-Among-Us’ article? Proposals, theories and hypotheses are NOT completed research… they are simply proposals, theories and hypotheses.

Take a pill, or two

I know, I know, it’s hard not to want to do something. Your family and friends ask, “What are you doing?” All you can say is, “Nothing.” It’s all so embarrassing. But, it feels so much better if you can gesture towards the kitchen and show a king’s ransom of vitamin bottles and supplement powders. “Ahh!,” your friends exclaim. It’s so visual. It’s so comforting. We’ve actually convinced ourselves that we’re doing something.

Whoo-hoo! Now don’t get Auntie A. Ellis started on vitamins and supplements! A healthy diet does not need to be supplemented.* Plus, most of our food is so enriched that we get extra vitamins whether we want them or not. According to (real) research, the average person who takes vitamins is a healthy, fit, 40-year old woman who doesn’t need to take vitamins at all! Behind closed doors, the vitamin industry refers to their customers the Walking Worried.

But you, we - - have ALS, that alone puts us in another category; the supplement industry refers to us as Hope in a Bottle People. We’re willing to pay or do anything in the hope that we’ll be THE ONE who is miraculously cured.

Be very careful, dear reader. Especially if you’re buying all those vitamins and supplements from a neighbor down the street.....who only sees you as being one final multi-pack-twelve-month-contract delivery away from reaching Silver Sales Level thus qualifying your neighbor for the all-expense-paid vacation in Costa Rica!

Stay the course

What’s Dagmar’s answer? It’s ancient, free and requires dedication and commitment:

• Eat healthy nourishing foods. 
• Do exercise that is therapeutically right for your body. 
• Sleep well.
• Look inward; love yourself, face your emotional fears and identify what causes your stress.
• Look outward; surround yourself with calm, caring friends and family.
• Reach out; participate in your community and express yourself through your passions and knowledge.

What’s Auntie A. Ellis’ answer? “Spend less time on Facebook sweetie!.”

"And oh yeah..... lose the aluminum hat."

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* Excluding physician prescribed vitamins and/or nutritional supplementation.

For current and reliable information on alternative therapies for ALS:

ALSUntangled: This web site lists proposed, current and completed reviews for hundreds of alternative and off-label ALS treatments. http://www.alsuntangled.com/index.html

Complementary and Alternative Therapies in ALS, A 2015 published manuscript which describes and reviews current "popular" complementary and alternative therapies promoted for ALS patients. Authored by: Richard S. Bedlack, MD, PhD, Nanette Joyce, DO,Gregory T. Carter, MD, MS, Sabrina Pagononi, MD, PhD, and Chafic Karam, MD  
LINK: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4712627/

Dagmar Munn
ALS and Wellness Blogger 

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person. 

Audrey Hepburn

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